Butterfly

As if the butterfly is the most precious thing to you, you capture it and decides to place it in captivity and display it to whoever you want it to be seen. Within this captivity, the only times you'll be seeing it is when you're feeling bored and have nothing to do, and that is totally meaningless. However, think of this possibility where it can be more happy with its freedom where it displays its beauty to whoever it desires to be seen, and not solely decided by a foolish person that doesn't seem to get the value of it anyway. Maybe, just maybe, one's beauty can only be admired from afar, where in its undisturbed nature, could be forever the thing that you once loved to see.

无奈

好久没有写 blog 了... 也没人来看的... So 也不需要那么 frequent 去写。

 今天心血来潮要写... Hmm, 也需要发泄一下吧... 

2013 年真的有好多层次的味道，带来我不少苦恼，新希望，也有一丝丝甜蜜的回忆。 

发现到，你越想要得到的东西，你越得不到... 可能这是我的偏见。但我怎么不会去这样去想呢，发生这么多了我料不到的事情。 在这年，我接触了新工作-telemarketing，也是对我来说是个非常好的工作经验。 也许有些人觉得这份工作很难做，很有压力，但总好过去充当一份需要非常耗力的工作吧。总好过去晒太阳。当然，有很多对你说‘不’的人，他们已经有很多的保险，很足够了。但是你可要知道，当你自己本身接到类似的电话时，你会立刻说一声'yes'吗？是没可能的。生活道理也一样-你需要去说服人的时候，要表现出真心，要有耐心，或许也必须要你拿出那心肝把它掏出来，别人才会相信你。但是，当你已经做出你所能，别人也看不出来，那么也该是时间放弃。人，总不能完完整整的把自己献给别人，来保护自己。你可能想着别人不能做到给你的事，那你自己呢？曾问过自己，我也如同可以那样对待别人呢？也许你说“是”，这还是在你的立场的想法吧。总之，不要要求别人能为你做些什么，也不要要求，自己为别人做了些什么，就一定要有回报。也就是，坦然面对一切吧。 

本来想写一段我今年经历的一份我对别人的爱情，但是，我还未放弃，还是不要写出来。让它（这份爱情）有一个我觉得已经不需再改进的结局再说吧。=)

Defeat is not defeat unless accepted as a reality in your own mind - Bruce Lee

Form 6

Entering: Another phase of depression. Found no reason for everything i do. So freaking rebelious and yet found no pleasure through those rebelious moments. Used to have fun that way, but it seems numb, through the bone, body and soul. Tried very hard to relive my senses, where failure at every corner awaits me. Nothing ever excites me no more. The fact that I'm awaiting for a miracle is still there. Maybe that'll be hope, that'll help me grind through the next day.

National Service (Halentine)

Hahaha.... 02/01/11-13/03/11.. My god... the experience of my life...
When I received the letter... My heart shattered like glass...
(PLKN Siri 8 Kump. 1)

Hey, why me? Why not the others?
I felt so sad upon that statement letter that seemed so real and blur at the same time

Yet, I felt nothing on the day my dad, mom, and bro sent me to the camp...How come? I don't know why? Maybe it's just psychological which I can't explain...
Upon arrival...It was 8 p.m.
-Ate dinner
-Registered (Kompeni Delta/Dorm 4/Katil 26)
-Took the necessities (for bed)
-Slept

Indeed my back hurts from the travels I made....1 hr bus travel->2 and 1/2 hours flight->3 hours bus travel to camp
I slept like a baby.
Next day took clothes from Logistik. Hurt my hands badly cause they're heavy+no proper box to fill them in. Not a sign of training.
KL friends... Not bad
Then it occured to me that the camp was cold, as it is situated near banjaran trus madi. Coughed until the last week of it since that day.

08/01/11, Saturday-Love at first sight
To be honest...b4 she approached me... I tot she was the most beautiful amongst the girls... That day was KKJ(Kontrak Kita Janji) Then, she asked for my number...Strangely, I fell for her...I really fell for her... She was very cute... slightly shorter than me...Helen Chong Jin Fong, the name I'll never forget...
Bleep test...I ran 10 stages and 4 mini's...She gave me strength to do it...
She ran 5 and 7... hahaha...
She supported my auditions...Jia you! Tong hua! Kan zhe wo chang ge!
We looked at each other while we ate at Dewan Makan....it was far...She made faces while i'm short sighted... Can't see very well... Was very cute with her tongue stuck out... Sometimes a 'peace' sign...
Then, when my auditions fail...She rarely looks at me anymore...I asked her why she ignored me...She said it was nothing...
Slowly...we got apart...I tried very hard to approach her but she doesn't care...
She said she has a boyfriend, named Liew.
My very first trial to give a poem to a girl on Valentine's (monday)...My Sabahan friends name my valentine "Halentine"
That wednesday, at a Buddha class... I see her close to the guy named Liew Kai Hiung..."Ah xiong, wo ai ni"..My heart broke to pieces...She even scribbled on the poem i gave her
But then, he wasn't her bf, but one that exists out of the camp...
Then, I ignored her...
It seemed like our love story had ended since... she then tries to have me back as her friend... I felt that I don't trust her that much anymore...I critisized every thing she does...Disappointing her each time...
But, I didn't mean to do so...It is my nature that my words are stuck at critical moments...

12/03/11-
Majlis perpisahan...The one thing I hoped was to go out that camp...
I was wrong.
She asked me to have a picture taken with her...I posed like a bad ass boy because I'd gave up on her... She asked me to retake the photo as it was ugly... It didn't happen that night... I hoped that the next day we'll have some better pictures...
That, happened...
I had gave up on her...I really did...I didn't want any more memories...all I want is to head home...
I asked her to take a picture with me...That changed the whole course...
After the photo session, I had to leave for KL
Her smiling face saddened
I tot she was just sad that people had to leave the camp
With friends encouraging me... I hugged her goodbye...The first and yet, the last as well (I'm not sure abt that tho...)
After I hugged her... She cried... looking at me...
Why? Why like that? Does she still love me?
I was speechless... I had loved the girl and my love for her had a reply from her
As I walked... She looks at me again...Crying...
My trip to KL made her sad? Is it the fact that we wouldn't meet again?
Those questions, I want their answers too...
I will miss the girl...with all her smiles....her annoyance...her beautiful looks...Tamparuli girl, would you wait for me someday? Or will u be a possession for the other guy? I love you.

R.I.P.

Haiz....today kept crying....Had loved her so much....I hope she's at a better state now...
Yesterday was the first time I'd fed her.....yet she does not have the strength to even eat the food when I place it beside her mouth...
I was so happy when...when I called her name....Daisy.....She wags her tail for me...A very weak wag...
Really sad that she'd died...yet there's nothing else I can do.....too old already...
Haiz....21st December 2010...To the best dog in the world...I love you and will miss you always

Peperiksaan Percubaan SPM 2010 (Marks)

BM 73
BI 74
BIO N/A
AM 75
KI 83
MT 85
MA 98
SJ 69
BC 43
FI 72
EL 80

Relationships

晓来谁染霜林醉？总是离人泪。对，离别真的是双方面的一个痛苦，但是却无法抵挡。人已在你的面前，为什么你不会去珍惜？人，总是失去了以后才会珍惜。我的故事却与众不同，是我决定要与他绝交的，但同时又赞同珍稀眼前人的那种看法。我那决定并非一天做出来的，而是一日一日逐渐累积起来的一种仇恨。那仇恨，仿佛快要吃掉我的心灵之中对他美丽的映像。一天又一天，我看到了一只‘穿着绵羊皮的恶狼’。他对我得不好，总是沉淀在我的脑海底里，看他对我多年的感情份上，我总是怀着我那不愉快的心情过生活。我的感受一直被忽略，他对别人比对我好。在人家面前可以哈哈大笑，这样我的存在被忽略了。我并没有责怪他的冷淡，但是我忍无可忍的事实是在于我已经没有那个可以捉住它的心的那个’把柄‘。我连做个朋友都那么的失败吗？想了许久，我发现错根本不在我的身上，而是他的身上。他不珍惜这个十年与他共同度过童年的知己。已有许多次发生了不愉快的事，但他的理由，我一次又一次地相信。“朋友做久了难免会放肆一些“，“我会偶尔对你不好，因为家庭出了很多问题，令我心情不好“。这些是理由吗？我也有很多问题，烦得很，但我对你的支持，总是一尘不变。感觉上，我是个白痴，浪费那么多时间与你在一起。同时，我对你的好已成了一种习惯。我不知道怎样才好。有一天，我终于决定把我自己出入’地狱‘，送他短讯要与他绝交。我那天晚上没睡觉，不是因为我做出了那个决定，而是他没有对我的要求做出回答。我感觉上真的是放弃了他。十年，我的十年去了哪里？那问题我自己也无法回答，去问他吧。